STFU

I get a kick out of listening to people who are on the top of the heap complain about how persecuted they are. That such individuals and organizations assume they will be flooded with sympathy when they advertise their complete lack of perspective, I find inherently hilarious. I don’t mean to imply that privileged people cannot be genuinely victimized (celebrity stalkers and the tabloid press are just two obvious examples of how they can be, and often are), but I’m referring to something else: I’m talking about luminaries of one kind or another who decry imaginary oppressors, or who (figuratively speaking) refer to the ants at their picnic as if they were bears.

In dishonor of these bellyaching fat cats, I have decided to institute the Boo-Fucking-Hoo Award, which I will bestow every so often upon those who distinguish themselves in the field of meritless complaint. Without further ado, I give you our inaugural recipient, Mr. Charles Simpson, representing the Business & Media Institute.

Some dedicated researchers from this organization spent last year’s sweeps months in front of the TV checking their reflections, so to speak. Their overall conclusion, stated in a widely-circulated position piece by Mr. Simpson, was that the television industry is putting out too many negative images of… businessmen. Yes, that’s right: the captains of industry want the world to know that Hollywood is giving them a bad rap. Mr. Simpson’s leadoff:

Long after executives from Enron, WorldCom, and HealthSouth first graced the 24-hour news cycle, the four major networks have outdone the evening news with anti-business themes.

Apparently the TV networks missed the memo that it was their patriotic duty to rehabilitate the image of big business through their dramatic series programming. Executive America can see that it’s not having a good run lately in the non-fiction market, so it wants to know why fiction hasn’t stepped up for them? Mr. Simpson points to some of the numbers:

During the two sweeps months, you were five times more likely to be kidnapped or murdered at the hands of a businessman than terrorists, gangs, or even the mob. It’s enough to convince the risk averse to join the Peace Corps. After all, they’d be safer in Darfur than in an office space.

Ooh – funny funny! Stop, stop, you’re killing m-… oops, I know you’re sensitive about that. Nice line, though. Sorry I could only give sarcastic laughter on that one, I guess mass rape and genocide just don’t crack me up like they used to. Anyway, about the statistic: five times more likely to be killed by a businessman than “terrorists, gangs, or even the mob?” That can’t possibly be right. Hel-lo! Mobsters and gang members are businessmen! But wait, our guy Charles Simpson is warming up for his big finish, his coup de arrogance:

It’s mind-boggling that show business could be so anti-business. How can a multibillion-dollar industry be antagonistic to a cornerstone of American society?… it’s hypocritical to use a successful business model to undermine the free enterprise system that helped create it… are TV execs hypocrites, or just plain out of touch with reality?

At this point, I almost feel sorry for the guy because he comes within a hair’s breadth of getting it. The answers to Simpson’s questions, if he would ask them honestly rather than rhetorically, are hiding from him in plain sight. Instead, he becomes the ironic cherry on the top of his own folly by exposing himself as… a hypocrite who is just plain out of touch with reality.

Fairly or unfairly, Hollywood studios are being good businessmen by depicting evil businessmen. They know what their customers want, and that’s what they are providing. The Business & Media Institute may not see it, but for most others it’s easy to see why audiences draw cathartic satisfaction from the idea of corporate fat cats getting their comeuppance. To start with, the gap between the rich and the not rich in our society has been widening significantly due to factors including tax policy and the lack of lobbying reform. Second, the nature of employment has fundamentally changed in the last 20-25 years, with layoffs (or their euphemistic variants like “downsizing,” “outsourcing,” and “moving offshore”) becoming so commonplace as to seem inevitable, and the notion of job security regarded more and more as a relic of the good old days. Then, of course, there are the well-known and startlingly numerous recent examples of disastrous corporate malfeasance and fraud. While it’s true that such shameful episodes are the exception rather than the rule in terms of the whole business community, it’s also true that holy shit, there have been a hell of a lot of exceptional assholes popping up lately.

Either way, the blistering network portrayals of businessmen who lie, cheat and kill make one miss the old days of simple class envy.

Oh, what a shame… those mean TV networks are making people forget to be jealous of you. Well, I recommend you head on home and have your personal chef whip you up a nice Pity Puree. Maybe pop in your DVD of the first season of The Apprentice. Maybe it’ll be enough to make you forget that unflattering portrayals of you are profitable.