“Get Out of My Face” (often referred to by the delightful acronym “GOOMF”) is a brilliant parody of the dick-swinging, rapid fire sports pundit barking match shows which have become a staple for ESPN — ones like Around the Horn and Pardon the Interruption.¹ The Onion’s first installment of GOOMF appeared in the summer of 2011, and it laid me out laughing:

[rated NSFW]

Per IMDb, I am pleased to inform you that the stars of GOOMF are Robb Pruitt as Kenny Kennedy and Levan Reid as Doc Brooks.

One of the things I love about GOOMF is the deliberate graphic overload, which is barely an exaggeration of the number of shiny bells and whistles that often clutter up the screen on SportsCenter. It’s impossible to catch all of the silly headlines that scroll by on the bottom-margin news ticker and pay full attention to the characters’ dialogue in a single viewing; if you don’t have time for multiple viewings of the clip, I transcribed them all here for your quick reading convenience.

For the slightly more serious-minded, the style being parodied in this video was recently the subject of a trenchant article in The Atlantic by Patrick Hruby, entitled “The SportsCenter-ization of Political Journalism.” The jist:

Turn on ESPN. There are score tickers and headline crawls, slick graphics and constant teases for upcoming stories, everything creating a sense of urgent immediacy. Now switch to Fox News. Visually speaking, it’s the same eyeball-grabbing formula. (Well, replace scores with stock prices, and garrulous sportscaster Chris Berman with a frosted blonde news babe). This is the SportsCenter-ization of the news, in which coverage of Washington — and the world, really — apes a glossy entertainment product dedicated to spectacular touchdowns, gee-whiz statistics, prefabricated drama, insta-debates waged by a nattering, revolving-door athletic punditocracy and the very latest updates on Brett Favre’s various bodily appendages.

If the Broncos beat the Patriots later today, watch tomorrow for Fox News to start ginning up a Tim Tebow write-in campaign for the remaining GOP primary states.

I must admit, this one was tough because there are so, so many great candidates. Especially from the mid-century era: randomly looking at the roster of the 1947 Chicago Cardinals reveals such minor gems as Plato Andros, Babe Dimancheff, Pop Ivy, Buster Ramsey, and Walt Szot. With the purely arbitrary nature of this little exercise in mind, here are my favorite favorites.

NOTE: an asterisk after a player’s name denotes a member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

FIRST TEAM: NOW THAT’S A FOOTBALL PLAYER NAME

• 
  Eric Bieniemy
  pronounced “bee-EN-uh-mee”RB • San Diego Chargers (1991-94), Cincinnati Bengals (1995-98), Philadelphia Eagles (1999)

  We can all be grateful that Bieniemy chose not to attempt a post-football hip-hop career under the name B-Enemy. I can only imagine the various mockeries he must have heard on the playgrounds of his childhood: “Eric B. Enema,” “Eric B. Anthony” (from women’s suffrage history enthusiasts), etc. ESPN’s Chris Berman probably rendered any other nicknames moot when he famously dubbed him "Eric ‘Sleeping With’ Bieniemy."

• Carlester Crumpler
  TE • Seattle Seahawks (1994-98), Minnesota Vikings (1999)

  Who wants to get blocked by a 6’6”, 260 pound tight end named Carlester Crumpler? Not I. His younger brother Alge Crumpler was also an NFL tight end, and a pretty darn good one. It’s fair to say that Alge exceeded Carlester in all but name.

• 
  Larry Csonka*
  pronounced “ZAWN-kuh”FB • Miami Dolphins (1968-74, 1979), New York Giants (1975-78)

  It seems to me that if you’re onomatopoeically named after a concussion, you kind of have to be a football player. Unless perhaps you have the hand speed to be a boxer… nah, football player still feels more appropriate. Especially if you ever watched Larry Csonka run over people.

• D’Brickashaw Ferguson
  OT, New York Jets (2006- )

  I picture him training by pulling a rickshaw filled with bricks. Or a brick rickshaw. Ferguson and whichever athletic label is currently producing the Jets’ uniforms should make that image into a poster. Huge dude charging right at you pulling a brick-filled rickshaw, and underneath that the logo and the large font, all-caps declaration D’BRICKASHAW. You’re welcome, Mr. Ferguson.

• 
  Lou Groza*
  pronounced “GROW-zuh”OT/K • Cleveland Browns, (1946-67)

  There is a general shortage of guys named Lou in the NFL these days. Not to mention offensive linemen who do double duty as kickers, or have nicknames like “The Toe.”

• Bronko Nagurski*
  pronounced “nuh-GURR-skee”FB/OT/LB • Chicago Bears (1930-37, 1943)

  Born Bronislaw Nagurski in 1908, he dominated during the 30′s with his combination of speed, strength and relative hugeness for that time: 6’2″ and 226 lbs. He retired from football before the 1938 season to focus on the more lucrative endeavor of professional wrestling, but was lured back in 1943 by legendary coach George Halas to help fill the Bears’ depleted wartime roster. It worked, as Nagurski was a key factor in Chicago’s winning the ’43 NFL Championship.

• 
  Dat Nguyen
  
  pronounced “WHEN”LB • Dallas Cowboys (1999-2005)

  There’s just something to these two-syllable names that sounds like… impact. Like Emilio Estevez said when he threatened Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club: “Two hits: me hitting you, you hitting the ground.” Incidentally, according to PFR Nguyen is still the only player in NFL history to have been born in Vietnam.

• Lyle Rockenbach
  
  OG • Detroit Lions (1943)

  Damn — if only because of that name, the guy must have deserved to play more than one year in the league. My googling reveals that he served in the Navy during World War II, presumably after his one season with the Lions. His bach-rockin’ name was then wasted on a career as a sales manager in the chemical industry.

• 
  Jack Scarbath
  
  QB • Washington Redskins (1953-54), Pittsburgh Steelers (1956)

  Yeech, there’s a gory mental image… if only to banish it, a not-gory physical image is at right. “Scarbath” seems more emblematic than threatening on a quarterback, a position much more likely to absorb physical punishment than mete it out.

• Webster Slaughter
  
  WR • Cleveland Browns (1986-91), Houston Oilers (1992-94), Kansas City Chiefs (1995), New York Jets (1996), San Diego Chargers (1998)

  The only un-badass thing about it was that he was a wideout, and in football terms, a little guy at 6'1″ and 175 lbs.

• 
  Otis Sistrunk
  DT/DE • Oakland Raiders (1972-78)

  My personal numero-uno football player name in the history of ever. To me, a single-digit-aged kid growing up in the Bay Area, the true personification of the John Madden-era Raiders was not one of the most often-cited figures: not scrappy left-handed quarterback Ken Stabler, nor the gangly star linebacker Ted Hendricks, nor the stickum-slathered wideout Fred Biletnikoff, nor all-pro guard Art Shell, nor the doughy, angst-ridden Madden himself, nor even the ubiquitously track-suited figure of the late Al Davis. No, I liked the big guy in the number 60 jersey. The dude with the shaved head¹ and the gap-toothed smile and the funny name. Otis Sistrunk was as imposing, hard to move, and (in my imagination, at least) generally amiable as the pachyderm his name called to mind. He was like a football-playing Babar. What’s not to love?

• Mac Speedie
  
  E • Cleveland Browns (1946-52)

  His middle name was Curtis, but his first name really was “Mac” and his last name really was “Speedie.” Poor guy was born too soon — he could have made a fortune as a pitchman for mac ‘n cheese in a box. Either that, or become a character on Grey’s Anatomy with, er, stamina problems.

• 
  Jack Youngblood*
  
  DE • Los Angeles Rams (1971-84)

  Played for much of his career alongside his brother, Rams linebacker Jim Youngblood. That’s a lot of blood on the field before the ball is even snapped. I hated these guys, because they played for the arch-rivals of my lifelong rooting allegiance, the San Francisco 49ers. Of course, that was back when L.A. could be bothered to keep a pro football franchise.

But now football is back, baby, attended by two of my favorite ancillary activities: trash-talking my friends in our fantasy league and contemplating the funny names of players. The former I have mentioned in this blog before (although not lately), and the latter is the basis of this post — which is now a series of posts. That’s how many unusual, distinctive, or just plain funny names I have dug out of the annals of American football between the 1920′s and the present. So enough pre-game, let’s kick this thing off!

2ND TEAM (MILDLY SILLY)

• 
  Atari Bigby
  Defensive Back • Green Bay Packers (2005-10), Seattle Seahawks (2011- )

  He claims that his first name is Japanese for “attack,” although that doesn’t account for the fact that Bigby is a defensive player. I think it would be cool for Bigby to celebrate his interceptions by forming himself into a triangle, rotating in place and ‘firing’ at larger players with a “pew-pew-pew!” sound. It would probably draw an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, of course. The refs might even tack on an additional five yards for copyright violation.

• Toi Cook
  pronounced “Toy”Defensive Back • New Orleans Saints (1987-93), San Francisco 49ers (1994-95), Carolina Panthers (1996-97)

  I’ve been giggling at this dude’s name since the early 80′s, when he played college ball at Stanford and I haunted the south end zone bleachers. Too bad I didn’t think of it until now, but you know what would have been awesome? A Toi Cook action figure. A toy Toi Cook. Kids being kids, a lot of them would probably have ended up in the microwave — a messy bit of irony.

• Jerricho Cotchery
  Wide Receiver • New York Jets (2004-10), Pittsburgh Steelers (2011- )

  He tumbled all the way down the board and eventually went unselected in my fantasy league draft this year. I do, however, recall his name coming up at one point when somebody asked, “is Jerricho Crotch-rot still available?” I imagine if he heard of this, it might make Cotchery crotchety.

• 
  Richie Incognito
  Offensive Lineman • St. Louis Rams (2006-09), Buffalo Bills (2009), Miami Dolphins (2010- )

  As pictured at right, this guy fails to honor the legacy of his patronymic ancestors. If he had any sense of tradition, he’d wear a different jersey number every week with a different name above it. Or better yet, no name at all.

• Jamaal Fudge
  Defensive Back • Jacksonville Jaguars (2006-07), Atlanta Falcons (2008-09)

  Wait a second, wasn’t that a Harry Potter character? Actually, I think his name was originally Jamaal Fuck, but they made him tone it down for television.

• Chip Glass
  Tight End • Cleveland Browns (1969-73), New York Giants (1974)

  I guess he never fully recovered from the initial injury. All wise-assing aside, if your last name is Glass, why would you allow yourself to be called by the nickname “Chip?” His given name was Charles; if he didn’t like “Charlie,” I’d think “Chuck Glass” at least sounds a little dangerous.

• 
  Cliff Marker
  End/Defensive Back¹ • Canton Bulldogs (1926), New York Giants & Frankford Yellow Jackets² (1927)

  Pictured at right. No word on how effective he was in the single-wing offense of his era; still, he was certainly a good guy to have around if only for safety purposes.

• Guy Whimper
  Offensive Tackle • New York Giants (2006- )

  Just a delightfully incongruous name for a 300-pound offensive lineman.

• Izzy Yablock
  RB/LB • Brooklyn Dodgers³ (1930-31), Staten Island Stapletons (1931)

  A football version of the “Who’s On First” routine waiting to happen. “Hey, Izzy! Ya block?” “Yeah-block.” “Good, so you lead the sweep and pick up the linebacker.” “No, I mean it’s pronounced ‘Yeah-block’.” “Yeah. Block. Ya gonna block for me, right?” “No, that’s not what I said.” “Hey coach, izzy a blocker?” “Yeah he blocks.” “No no, it’s just ‘Yeah-block’. Just one ‘block’.” …&etc.

Stay tuned in the upcoming days for the revelation of my First Team hall of namers.

So hear this: I have some favorite tweets — and damn it, attention must be paid. I am boldly risking my reputation by giving the following tweets the imprimatur of my favor. ¹ Lastly, I should mention that the embedding code for these tweets was generated by socialditto.com; I tweaked the CSS format a little to blend with the design of this blog.

In 2010 The Daily Show also continued to do one of the things it has done brilliantly for several years: point out and mock people who claim to be oppressed, but clearly aren’t. Examples of such people might include certain investment bankers, Christian mega-churches, professional athletes, or many others that generally have it pretty good. In the case of my number six video of 2010, this treatment is given to a richly deserving group: middle-aged white men.²

Samantha Bee, the Daily Show correspodent in this segment, has long been one of my favorites. She had a few things of her own going on in 2010, most notably the publication of her memoir I Know I Am, But What Are You? Her promotion of the book included a wide-ranging interview with Terry Gross on Fresh Air and a cute feature piece in the New York Times Magazine. Daily Show video clips featuring her are here; among those that especially crack my shit up are “Shame Parade,” “John McCain’s Air Quotes” (start at about 2:03 into the clip), and “Long Island Wants to Secede.”