The LA-dar

No cheating – be honest with yourself. If you aren’t, your results won’t be accurate and you’ll have to go through life burdened by the weight of never knowing how LA you are. So just relax and breathe into it. No one else even has to know what you get. Unless you tell them… which would be kind of LA of you.

1. Do you feel deep affection for, or devotion to:
   • Ankle-deep pleasantry?
   • Driving, but never at the same speed for very long?
   • Pinkberry?
   • Us Weekly, E!, TMZ.com, or similar celeb news/gossip media?
   • Drought?
   • Yoga?
   • The word “chillax?”
   • Agape?
   • Your cell phone/Blackberry/iPhone?
   • Zankou?
   • Yourself?
   • The Dodgers and/or the Lakers?

   (one point for each yes)

   • The Clippers?
   • The Dodgers and/or the Lakers, and are actually knowledgeable about the game (e.g., strategy, league standings, statistics, names and positions and details about all LA players and most opposing players, etc)?

   (subtract one point if yes to either of these)

2. Do you have a particular dislike, disdain, or fear of:
   • Public transportation?
   • Politics?
   • Coyotes?
   • Precipitation?
   • The Valley?
   • Reading (except magazines)?
   • Orange County?
   • Cloudy or overcast skies?
   • People in LA whose phone area codes aren’t 310, 323, or if absolutely necessary 213?

   (one point each)

3. Are you now or have you ever been:
   • A communist? (If so — OMG, that is so cool!)
   • In the ocean, on a surfboard, and standing?
   • Listed on IMDb?
   • Both a resident of the United States and the owner of a Daimler AG Smart car?
   • Dating John Mayer?
   • Training in Boot Camp (without joining the military)?
   • Enrolled at UCLA or USC?
   • Employed as an actor, screenwriter, filmmaker, recording or performing artist of popular music, or model?
   • Employed as a talent agent or talent manager?
   • Employed in any other capacity in the entertainment industry?

   (one point each)

   • Holding aspirations to be an actor, screenwriter, filmmaker, recording or performing artist of popular music, or model?
   • A talent agent and a talent manager, at different times?¹

   (two points each for both of the above)

4. Do you often:
   • Drive somewhere you could have walked to in five minutes, other than to transport something heavy?
   • Arrive late to pretty much everything, knowing that if an explanation is needed you can just say it was traffic?
   • Go on and off being a vegetarian?
   • When driving, suddenly become very angry or aggressive — much more than you ever are otherwise?
   • Spend money at tanning salons?
   • Ask waiters/waitresses whether dishes have meat/soy/dairy/wheat/gluten or whatever in them, and if so, subsequently ask if they can make it without that ingredient?

   (one point each)

   • Let people merge in front of you in traffic?

   (if yes, subtract one point)

(one point each for the remaining questions…)

5. Have you:
   • Had a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, calf or butt implants, nose job, boob job or other voluntary cosmetic surgery? (No, LASIK doesn’t count)
   • Declined a social invitation for a parking-related reason?
   • Boned Leonardo DiCaprio?
   • Passed or tried to pass yourself off as a “producer” or similar-sounding industry big shot in order to get into someone’s pants?
   • Let somebody get into your pants who misrepresented him or herself in the above-mentioned manner?
   • Slept with someone whom you would not have if they hadn’t been a star, or sort of a star?

Count up your score as indicated above. Then, lastly, subtract one point for each thing in the test you googled due to your lack of any idea what it was.

___________
¹ If you have been both an agent and a manager at the same time, you don’t get extra points. Not because you’re not LA – because you’re a lowlife asshole. My test, I make the rules.