NFL

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Confession time: I wrote the bulk of this post a year ago, at the beginning of the 2010 football season. It grew into a long enough opus to fall by the wayside because of my mercurial re-editing tendencies. Before I knew it, the divisional playoffs were upon us and I decided that the post and I needed some time apart.

But now football is back, baby, attended by two of my favorite ancillary activities: trash-talking my friends in our fantasy league and contemplating the funny names of players. The former I have mentioned in this blog before (although not lately), and the latter is the basis of this post — which is now a series of posts. That’s how many unusual, distinctive, or just plain funny names I have dug out of the annals of American football between the 1920′s and the present. So enough pre-game, let’s kick this thing off!

2ND TEAM (MILDLY SILLY)


The Denver Broncos soundly defeated the San Diego Chargers on this past Monday night to improve their record for the season to 6-0. However, they are certainly not undefeated, at least not in all senses: for the second consecutive week, the Broncos donned throwback uniforms that were nothing less than a sartorial train wreck.

For years now, the NFL has tinkered with the look of its on-field product by having teams put on “throwback” uniforms, i.e., ones designed to replicate the look of the team’s uniforms from an earlier era. This costuming of the players for a game or two had proven popular in Major League Baseball, and the same has generally applied in football. If nothing else, the fact that they continue to do it is evidence that it has been a shot in the arm for the league’s merchandising revenue.

ugly broncosThen the Broncos took the field in Denver on Sunday, October 11, 2009 in what the team’s website called an “American Football League legacy game against the Boston Patriots… to commemorate 50 seasons of Broncos football,” and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that some history is best forgotten. Read the rest of this entry »


EJ Junior, Sr. Junior High Grumpy Hippos owner Derek confirmed at a press conference Thursday morning that he has fired himself as the team’s head coach. The Hippos finished the 2008 Whiplash league season in last place, and rumors of a coaching change had been circulating in recent weeks.

“I am appreciative of the passion and commitment I have provided during my time as our head coach,” Derek announced, “but the performance of them team has not been up to our standard as an organization, and we owe it to our players and the fans to correct that. That’s why I’ve chosen to seek new leadership at the head coaching position.”

Derek joins the ranks of coaches fired immediately following the just-finished regular season, including the Cleveland Browns’ Romeo Crennel, the New York Jets’ Eric Mangini, and the Denver Broncos’ Mike Shanahan.

Cornered in the parking lot as he left the team offices, Derek at first declined to comment on his termination, but upon further prodding proved unable to contain his feelings. Read the rest of this entry »


Pure Male Fantasy

The NFL and the TV networks have my old buddy Jason to thank, because quite possibly the only reason I’m still a fan of pro football is the fantasy football league that he brought me into a few years back. I’m grateful to J for this as well (see also his picture in the sidebar of this blog’s home page), because I had meandered away from sports fandom at the time, and hadn’t realized that I missed the catharsis that it provides. Obviously actual participation in athletic competition generally benefits one’s personal health in a way that vicarious participation does not; indeed, the manner of vicarious engagement with sports practiced by many these days is, conversely, a health liability. Versions of this observation are often expressed by those who disdain sports fans, generally because they envy the fan’s enjoyment of something which they themselves haven’t bothered to understand.

For men, myself most definitely included, there is perhaps no more reliable trigger for juvenile recidivism than football. The brilliance of fantasy football is that it capitalizes upon this behavioral rewind. Love it though I do, I’ll be the first to admit that there is something fundamentally laughable about Read the rest of this entry »


I’ve never considered myself a trend-setter. I am many things, but “hip” has never been one of them (I wonder, in fact, who would describe him or herself as a really hip person, because it just sounds like a really un-hip thing to say). My style of dress is not what you would call “fashion-forward,” and I’ve never really been the guy who knows where all the cool parties are happening.

However, there is an ironic side to being unfashionable: every now and then, something that you’ve been a fan of despite its obscurity suddenly becomes wildly popular. Nevertheless, there have been a handful of times when I’ve been into something before there was a bandwagon to jump on. Not that many – few enough that I feel compelled to declare them for the record (such as it is) in a series of posts here at C&B, lest they go unrecognized. Here then is Part One of my …uh, not-too-many-part series:

THINGS I LIKED BEFORE THEY WERE TRENDY

logo

Some people say the
initials are really an
homage to 1950′s radio
comedian Stan Freberg.
Those people are idiots.

The San Francisco 49ers. I’ve been a football fan since as far back into my childhood as I can remember – and I can remember pretty far back. For a little kid like me who loved football, and had sworn his lifelong rooting allegiance to the 49ers (I believe the ceremony involved trading away a Larry Csonka football card for one of San Francisco’s Gene Washington), the infrequency of their victories could be written off as bad luck. In retrospect, I was indeed unlucky to have had to endure the mediocre Jim Plunkett – Delvin Williams years, not to mention the downright craptacular Steve DeBerg years. Some other kids I knew began discreetly shifting alliances and declaring themselves as Oakland Raiders fans, an idea that never made sense to me. Oakland was all the way on the other side of the Bay, and the team and its fans wore black and rode Harleys. They did win more games than the Niners (e.g. the 1980 Super Bowl), but whatever.

One day in 1981 (the exact calendar date is disputed), the Bay Area woke up to find that the Niners were suddenly and inexplicably awesome. We looked on in surprise and delight as they carved up the opposition, winning the NFC West Division with a record of 13-3 and powering through their divisional playoff game. Thereafter came the chilly January evening in 1982 when the Niners announced the beginning of their era of dominance: just when it seemed that they would fall short, the 49ers rallied in the final minutes of the NFC Championship game to take down the hated Dallas Cowboys on the play now famous as “The Catch.” The subsequent Super Bowl would be the first of four that the Niners won by the end of the decade, led by eventual Hall of Fame members Joe Montana, Ronnie Lott, Steve Young (OK fine, he was really more from the 1990′s), and, in a few more years, Jerry Rice.

San Francisco 49ers

Super Bowl XXIII, January 22, 1989. I’d
been a Niners fan for well over a decade.

Residual elements of the team’s greatness lasted (albeit in diminishing levels) all the way into the new century. Sadly, the decline continued, and by the 2004 season the 49ers had reattained their late-’70s standard of suckitude. So although I was a 49er fan before it was in style, I remain one now that it’s back out of style – the team and I returning, Magellan-like, to our point of origin, our revered captain slain (OK, retired) and the few remaining crew barely alive. Yes, you heard me – Dennis Erickson gave my team scurvy. There, I said it!

Check back tomorrow of Part Two of the BEFORE IT WAS TRENDY miniseries. Who knows, maybe I’ll over-extend another historical metaphor.