In her ongoing, mostly NSFW painting series “Join or Die,” Ms. Lai depicts herself having sex with each President of the United States, in chronological order. At the current time, the artist is enjoying a cigarette (so to speak) following her encounter with 18th president Ulysses S. Grant. Shown at right is her imagined congress with president number seven, Andrew Jackson, who simultaneously delivers the Old Hickory and the ol’ hickey.

Ms. Lai describes her intention for the work as “humanizing and demythologizing the Presidents.” She specifies,

The presidency itself is a seemingly immortal and impenetrable institution; by inserting myself in its timeline, I attempt to locate something intimate and mortal. I use this intimacy to subvert authority, but it demands that I make myself vulnerable along with the Presidents. A power lies in rendering these patriarchal figures the possible object of shame, ridicule and desire, but it is a power that is constantly negotiated.

I was tracking that fine up until the last clause. Negotiated? Between whom? I think she means that she doesn’t simply subject the Presidents to her own omnipotent power as the artist. “Negotiated” makes it sound a little like we’re in Ouija board territory. Or even price-haggling territory, prompting me to envision Andrew Jackson leaving a small stack of his best-known portraits on Ms. Lai’s dresser.  No, no, no, of course I’m not seriously saying she’s a whore. Or even a slut. “Historical art slut,” maybe a little—but so what? If all these presidents were somehow alive right now, I’m certain there are plenty of skanks who’d want to do them all and record it on video rather than on canvas, in order to profit from their, uh, presidential pollings.

“Join or Die” is sure to have stirred up plenty of strong feelings as it is, but I wonder what things would be like if she had yet boned her way up to the likes of Reagan, the Bushes, and Obama. The ones who are still around to stick up (no pun intended) for themselves, or whose immediate families are. I’m thinking the least controversial of these would be Clinton; other than that, who knows.

Observations on some of the 18 paintings so far:

• She left the powdered wigs on the early Presidents… hmm. If George Washington took everything else off, wouldn’t he lose the wig, too?
• Speaking of taking it off, that reminds me: in a recent Fresh Air interview Paul Giamatti talked about shooting a sex scene while playing the title role in HBO’s John Adams miniseries. He said that the on-set historical accuracy consultants had advised that back in those days people didn’t get naked when they had sex – they just adjusted their garments as necessary and went for it. Makes sense. I’ve acted in plenty of period pieces, and historically authentic garments take forever to get into and out of.
• She got 4th president James Madison way too big. Dude was tiny — only 5’4″.
• What did Martin Van Buren (#8) ever do to piss her off? Van Buren wasn’t fat; but here, he looks like he just asked her what she wanted for Christmas.
• For a 68-year-old guy who caught a cold at his own inauguration and died 32 days later, William Henry Harrison (#9) is looking pretty spry and sure-handed!
• That’s Polk having a poke? President number 11? Hell, that could be anybody.
• Is she putting the quotes around Buchanan being a “lifelong bachelor?” Or is this just what he gets for having been such a shitty excuse for a 15th president? He did govern like a sub, that’s for sure.
• Some would say hers is the same treatment Lincoln’s legacy has received many times before. I say if only for putting up with that nightmare of a wife, he earned it.
• I could see a morose, alcoholic military type like Grant being into that. The one detail that seems wrong: no way was he that bald-chested.

Thoughts? Reactions? Any good visual concepts for the screwings of later Presidents? Come on, you sick bastards, give ‘em up in the comments.

Hat tip: Spurgeonblog

I’ve started a new category here at C&B, cryptically titled “Lists.” Some of the lists will be ordered, some will be unordered, and some will be not what you ordered. Maybe at some point if I get really fancy with it, some of them may even have items AND sub-items! If you want to see all of the lists together on one page… well, for the moment just click on the “Lists” category (or tag, once I either get UTW to work again or switch plugins… if you have no idea what I’m talking about, just ignore this). My grand visions of this blog’s future will have a much cooler solution, but for now… yadda yadda yadda. Without further ado, here’s my inaugural list:

My Favorite Things Ever Said

• “We may be through with the past, but the past ain’t through with us.”P.T. Anderson, Magnolia (1999)
• “There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.”Robert Benchley (attributed)
• “I got fired last year in Las Vegas from the Frontier Hotel, for saying ‘shit’ in a town where the big game is called ‘crap.’ That’s some kind of a double standard, you know? I’m sure there was some Texan standing out in the casino yelling ‘Aw, shit, I crapped!’ And they fly those guys in free, you know? Fired me. Shit.”George Carlin
• “What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around — that’s their job!”George Carlin
• “As a nation, we began by declaring that ‘all men are created equal.’ We now practically read it ‘all men are created equal, except Negroes.’ When the Know-Nothings get control, it will read ‘all men are created equal, except Negroes and foreigners and Catholics.’ When it comes to this, I shall prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretense of loving liberty — to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure and without the base alloy of hypocrisy.”Abraham Lincoln, 1855
• “At what point shall we expect the approach of danger? By what means shall we fortify against it? Shall we expect some transatlantic military giant to step the Ocean, and crush us at a blow? Never! All the armies of Europe, Asia and Africa combined… could not by force take a drink from the Ohio, or make a track on the Blue Ridge, in a trial of a thousand years… If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we must live through all time, or die by suicide.”Abraham Lincoln, 1838
• “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.”Groucho Marx
• “I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not tell a lie; I can, but I won’t.”Mark Twain
• “I haven’t a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever.”Mark Twain
• “The good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.”Neil deGrasse Tyson