Cheek and Bluster » consumerism

Market Research Mirage

Derek — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 01:28:26 +0000

Today I offer an anecdotal snapshot of how hard it is to get paid to do anything in the current economy. The following took place only minutes ago:

I am seated at the computer screen, plugging away as usual. On the surface of my desk, my cell phone rings gently and vibrates loudly. I pick it up and look at the caller ID readout, which displays an unfamiliar number from an obscure area code. The phone continues to ring as I consider letting it go to voicemail. Then, impulsively, I touch the screen to answer the call.

ME: Hello?

CALLER: Hello, I’m calling for Derek Wood. Are you Mr. Wood?

ME: Yes, I am.

CALLER: Hello Mr. Wood, I’m calling from Focus Pointe Global. We’re conducting a market research panel in Los Angeles on Saturday, August 27th on the topic of electronic devices. The panel would last for one hour, and you would be paid $50 for your time if you were to participate. Would you be like to see if you qualify to take part?

ME: [thought bubble: $50! Woohoo!] Sure!

CALLER: OK, great! Now then: do you have one or more electronic devices currently in use in your home?

ME: One or more? Yes. Yes I do.

CALLER: OK, good. And is one of those devices a smartphone?

ME: Yes. I’m using it right now.

CALLER: Great, got it. And are you planning on getting another smartphone for your next cell phone?

ME: When I get my next cell phone… yeah. Yes, I am planning on getting another smartphone.

CALLER: OK… well, unfortunately all the slots are already filled in your category, so I’m sorry. We’ll give you another call sometime soon for a different study.

ME: But I said “yes” to everything you were looking for!

CALLER: I know, it’s just that-

ME: Wait, hang on: what if I told you I’m not sure if I’m getting another smartphone for my next phone? I mean I might, but I don’t know?

CALLER: Then you definitely wouldn’t qualify.

ME: [sighing] Dude, work with me here.

CALLER: [chuckles cheerfully] Sorry. We’ll give you a call for another study soon. Bye now! [hangs up]

I’ve been signed up with Focus Pointe and another couple of market research companies for well over a year now. They email me a couple of qualification questionnaires a week, and call me maybe once a month. Not once have I so much as qualified to be on one of their little consumer panels. I’m beginning to wonder if they are really conducting any market research panels, or if they just enjoy teasing me with illusory offers to pay me for my opinion.

Tags: consumerism, economy, wtf?

LEAKED: Upcoming Apple Products

Derek — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 14:40:15 +0000

An anonymous source with direct knowledge of product development at Apple has provided me with the following list of applications and devices currently in the works. In order to honor my pledge to keep the information quiet, I am publishing it on my blog.

iPaddle — Attachable wooden handle for the iPad; available in table tennis or aquatic conveyance sizes
iOta — Encyclopedia containing only miniscule specks of information
iRate — Easily records your angry screeds about local businesses and uploads them to the web
iKea-fy — Inoffensive but bland interior design generator; assembly required

iAye — Maritime lingo dictionary and recorded lesson series
iD — Consolidates all your sensitive personal information into one convenient, easy-to-steal file
iTalic — Kink-in-the-neck therapy app; skews your entire screen image slightly to the right
iDeals — Crawls your online and offline user history in order to detect your most deeply-held values, and returns a list of current market prices for the selling out of each. Currently in beta testing limited to the Los Angeles area.
iDle — Inactivity generator
iRish — Belligerence inducement app for the chronically meek; Plus edition includes taunts from rowdy Notre Dame fans
iDog — Full-fledged virtual assistant for the blind; development currently delayed because of system vulnerability to cross-species biting attacks
iRon — App that overheats your iPhone to the point where it can be used to press a garment
iCelandic — iPhoto plugin for use on headshots which makes you look more gorgeous and Nordic
iCon — Mugshot generator for the frequently arrested; Plus Edition includes both front and right-profile angles. Compatibility with iCelandic to come in v. 2.0.
iVan — Driverless family vehicle controlled via Apple’s iCal schedule application; development currently delayed by pesky Russian accent bug in onboard voice prompts
iSh — Approximate measurement tool

Tags: absurdity, consumerism, dogs, iPhone, LA, technology

What Would Jesus Anything

Derek — Mon, 03 May 2010 17:59:46 +0000

My friend Julie and her cohorts at LKG Productions are at it again. Their music video (embedded below) is in some kind of “who can get the most views” competition on atom.com. I hope I’m not posting it here too late to help them, because it’s funny and they deserve to win stuff. Even if I am too late, at least they still have an inside track to making my eventual “Best Web Videos of 2010″ list (which I’m sure means the world to them).¹

Here are Julie Wittner, Ryan Smith, and Johnny Markoudakis in WWJD a Music Video, directed by Kim Evey.

WWJD a Music Video

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Other | Funny Animations

Ms. Wittner and Ms. Evey may already be on your radar screen if you have notched any of the 25 million plus views of their giggle-inducing YouTube series 2 Hot Girls in the Shower. Yes, it does sound like pØ®n, but it doesn’t stray beyond PG-13 range. It will shortly take up residence here in the C&B blogroll.

Tags: blogroll, Christianity, comedy, consumerism, friends, Jesus, religion, satire

Free Irony Supplement Available at CVS

Derek — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 21:35:21 +0000

I like CVS. The one near my new apartment even has an Rx counter with a drive-thru window. Like most any Angeleno, I feel instant affection for any merchant that allows me to patronize their store without exiting my car. Plus, you gotta admire their self-sustaining marketing strategy. Supply and demand is for amateurs—these guys are rockin’ some cause and effect. Check it out:

Darn it. If I’d been paying attention I could have saved $5 when I bought¹ $20 or more of Halloween candy.

____
¹ Yes, that’s right: $5, and one pronoun. Look at the flyer again.

Tags: big business, consumerism, grammar, LA

How Do You Rate on the LA-dar?

Derek — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:10:45 +0000

Again, an item in Ye Olde Facebook Newsfeed set me to thinking. The blurb below was posted by an old schoolmate of mine. I have anonymized her profile picture, and (obviously) blurred out her name. She still lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where we grew up; I (in case you didn’t know) now live in Los Angeles.

I haven’t taken the quiz, so I don’t know what questions my friend answered. She was puzzled by the result, so I’ve endeavored to develop more in-depth questionnaire to determine how temperamentally well-suited one is for L.A. residency. So here it is: Derek’s L.A.dar, v 0.5.

The LA-dar

No cheating – be honest with yourself. If you aren’t, your results won’t be accurate and you’ll have to go through life burdened by the weight of never knowing how LA you are. So just relax and breathe into it. No one else even has to know what you get. Unless you tell them… which would be kind of LA of you.

Do you feel deep affection for, or devotion to:
- Ankle-deep pleasantry?
- Driving, but never at the same speed for very long?
- Pinkberry?
- Us Weekly, E!, TMZ.com, or similar celeb news/gossip media?
- Drought?
- Yoga?
- The word “chillax?”
- Agape?
- Your cell phone/Blackberry/iPhone?
- Zankou?
- Yourself?
- The Dodgers and/or the Lakers?
- The Clippers?
- The Dodgers and/or the Lakers, and are actually knowledgeable about the game (e.g., strategy, league standings, statistics, names and positions and details about all LA players and most opposing players, etc)?
Do you have a particular dislike, disdain, or fear of:
- Public transportation?
- Politics?
- Coyotes?
- Precipitation?
- The Valley?
- Reading (except magazines)?
- Orange County?
- Cloudy or overcast skies?
- People in LA whose phone area codes aren’t 310, 323, or if absolutely necessary 213?
Are you now or have you ever been:
- A communist? (If so — OMG, that is so cool!)
- In the ocean, on a surfboard, and standing?
- Listed on IMDb?
- Both a resident of the United States and the owner of a Daimler AG Smart car?
- Dating John Mayer?
- Training in Boot Camp (without joining the military)?
- Enrolled at UCLA or USC?
- Employed as an actor, screenwriter, filmmaker, recording or performing artist of popular music, or model?
- Employed as a talent agent or talent manager?
- Employed in any other capacity in the entertainment industry?
- Holding aspirations to be an actor, screenwriter, filmmaker, recording or performing artist of popular music, or model?
- A talent agent and a talent manager, at different times?¹
Do you often:
- Drive somewhere you could have walked to in five minutes, other than to transport something heavy?
- Arrive late to pretty much everything, knowing that if an explanation is needed you can just say it was traffic?
- Go on and off being a vegetarian?
- When driving, suddenly become very angry or aggressive — much more than you ever are otherwise?
- Spend money at tanning salons?
- Ask waiters/waitresses whether dishes have meat/soy/dairy/wheat/gluten or whatever in them, and if so, subsequently ask if they can make it without that ingredient?
- Let people merge in front of you in traffic?

(one point each for the remaining questions…)

Have you:
- Had a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, calf or butt implants, nose job, boob job or other voluntary cosmetic surgery? (No, LASIK doesn’t count)
- Declined a social invitation for a parking-related reason?
- Boned Leonardo DiCaprio?
- Passed or tried to pass yourself off as a “producer” or similar-sounding industry big shot in order to get into someone’s pants?
- Let somebody get into your pants who misrepresented him or herself in the above-mentioned manner?
- Slept with someone whom you would not have if they hadn’t been a star, or sort of a star?

Count up your score as indicated above. Then, lastly, subtract one point for each thing in the test you googled due to your lack of any idea what it was.

___________
¹ If you have been both an agent and a manager at the same time, you don’t get extra points. Not because you’re not LA – because you’re a lowlife asshole. My test, I make the rules.

Let’s get a sampling of scores, and then I can figure out the grading curve. Also, post comments and let me know about stuff I’ve left out! The LA-dar is only a beta, after all.

Tags: actors, cars, college, consumerism, Facebook, fear, Hollywood, LA, New York, Orange County, San Fernando Valley, sex, sports, star fucking, surfing, tests