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A Poll of Monumental Importance

December 9, 2008 | 1 comment

Just when you thought my blogging inconsistency couldn’t get any more shameful, here it is – my first post since September. As even a cursory glance will show, C&B has been mute during a period filled with events of historic significance: the spectacular collapse of American financial conglomerates, bringing the national (and hence, global) economy to the brink of utter ruin; the election of the first African-American President of the United States, who furthermore appears to be capable of getting America up off the mat; and the lamentable passage of Proposition 8 in California, inserting language into the state constitution to strip rights away from gay people… to name a few.

Therefore, what out of this abundance of profound current events is it that has finally dragged me back to the blogging pad?

This past weekend, my previously blogged-upon fantasy football team, the E.J. Junior Sr. Junior High Grumpy Hippos, ended a dismal 2008 season out of the league playoffs. In the two coming weekends of playoff games between the four qualifying teams, we remaining six losers have the option of playing each other in meaningless “grudge matches” if we want.

I emailed such a challenge to fellow playoff outcast Heath, our league’s commissioner, owner of the Opa Locka Bowlsnappers. I reasoned that he would be smarting from his playoff exclusion more than anyone else, because it represents the end of his stunning streak of four consecutive league championships. What’s worse than missing the playoffs after a Snap da Bowl four-peat? Losing a grudge match to the league’s last-place team, i.e., mine.

Heath emailed me back a little while ago to accept my challenge. He did, however, ask me one question that I wasn’t immediately ready for: “What do you want to call the game?”

Having now spent a not-too-long but nevertheless indefensible amount of time considering possible answers, I turn now to you, the reader who somehow is here despite my not having posted in ages, to resolve this hugely significant matter. Please consult your deepest moral fiber, and vote.

UPDATE: no need to try to vote, because the poll is closed. The image below shows the final result.

poll results

How Satellite TV Saves Democracy

November 10, 2006 | 2 comments

Pictured below is the Lightsaber of Democracy: my satellite TV remote. Subtly highlighted is the “skip forward” button, which allows the viewer to jump ahead in 30-second increments while watching recorded programming. The practice of skipping over commercial breaks, normally a mere convenience, in pre-election months becomes absolutely vital for the prevention of Autumnal Voter Disgust Syndrome.

A VoterShield 1000
and its mighty
“Skip Fwd” button.

Campaign advertisers are a crafty predator. They’ll often position their ad as the last one to play before resumption of the TV show, meaning that even skillful ad-skippers will see their final slogan as it fades to black. This year’s slogan I most often saw in this manner was the phrase “No on 87.” Noticing this trend, each future occurrence prompted me to think “Wow, somebody is spending a ton of money to defeat Proposition 87. Eh, I’ll probably end up voting ‘Yes.’ ” Flippant? Sure, a bit – but allow me to explain my rationale.

I’ve noticed that like nearly every aspect of American politics, ballot initiatives are by and large about money. Initiative campaigns that churn out a lot of TV advertising are about A LOT of money – specifically, either a promotion of or an impediment to someone making a lot of money. To discern what a given ballot measure proposes to put into effect, a voter needs only to find out what interests are pouring money into the respective “No” and “Yes” campaigns, and then connect the dots through critical thinking. Read the rest of this entry »

An Affront to Rock Stars

September 16, 2006 | 4 comments

Unintentional comedy has never tasted
so good

The whole “energy drink” fad is silly to begin with, but at least Red Bull and Monster Energy don’t make me giggle out loud. To me, the only way that the idea of an energy drink called RockStar could be any funnier would be to also have — you got it — Diet RockStar. And yet, the marketing geniuses at whatever company produces this stuff didn’t hesitate to go there. That, I believe, was when they changed from marketing geniuses into comic geniuses.

I also simply adore the way they package the stuff as if it were malt liquor. I wonder if the people who drink it do so with a brown paper bag wrapped around it. Who does drink this stuff? And moreover, do any of them actually feel more like a rock star when they do?

Let’s spin this idea out a little:

A huge rock star — someone like, say, David Lee Roth in his Van Halen heydey — arrives at the door of his record producer’s penthouse suite, flush from the band’s triumphant, ass-kicking performance at a sports arena a few hours earlier. He rolls in his usual style: boots, leather pants, aviator shades, his bare torso and arms covered only by a white sable coat and three or four scantily clad groupies, not necessarily in that order. A record label lackey answers the door and greets him enthusiastically.

“Heeey, what’s UP, man? Dude, rock and ROLL, you were fucking AWESOME tonight! Fucking incredible fucking show, man, I mean… amazing. Uh-mazing. You are a fucking legend.”

The rock star’s slack jaw barely moves. “Thanks.”

“So come in, come in, man! Make yourself comfortable, mi casa su fucking casa, you know? You want something to drink? GET THE MAN A FUCKIN’ DRINK! What’re you you drinking, dude?”

The rock star says, “I’ll have a RockStar.”

“Excusemewhat?”

“I’ll have a RockStar. No wait, wait…” the rock star pauses intensely, then declares, “a DIET RockStar.”

…Seewhattamean, blogreaders? You could almost hear the record scratch sound after that last line, couldn’t you?

Here Lies Lay

July 5, 2006 | 4 comments

Convicted former Chairman of Enron Kenneth Lay has died of an apparent heart attack.

Damn. Damn, damn, damn. I really wanted to see him go to jail.

OK, I’m a callous bastard, and I should think of his family – they’ve lost a loved one. And I feel bad for them. I do. They have my honest sympathy for their loss. The thing is, they’ll eventually get through their grieving process, recover, and move on, like any other family does when it loses someone. Unlike any other family, Lay’s heirs will move on in a level of comfort that is owed in part to the suffering of ex-Enron shareholders and employees whom the late Mr. Lay is responsible for fucking over.

All the former Enron foot soldiers who did nothing wrong have to move on, too: without their jobs, without the retirement safety nets they had earned, without vacation homes in Snowmass. Now, they may very well also have to do without the comfort of Kenny Boy paying for what he did:

…Lay’s death likely means his conviction will be vacated and it will be as if he were never charged… Lay had not been sentenced and the appeal process had barely started. [According to legal specialists,] that means a final judgment has not been issued and the conviction will be set aside… what is not clear, however, is if the government’s efforts to seize money and assets from Lay can continue… since it is seen as a measure meant to punish the defendant… the government could file a motion for forfeiture as a civil proceeding, however, meaning it would be an attempt to seize assets from Lay’s estate.

Bad enough that the victims are denied the comfort of seeing Lay go to prison, but their civil claim may end with their being stiffed by a stiff. It’s the kind of circumstance that one suspects will cause an uptick in atheism.

Jeff Skilling better stay healthy. I hope they have him on an exercise regimen, with a square diet and weekly physicals. Long live Jeff Skilling.

Boo–Fucking–Hoo

July 5, 2006 | 3 comments

I get a kick out of listening to people who are on the top of the heap complain about how persecuted they are. That such individuals and organizations assume they will be flooded with sympathy when they advertise their complete lack of perspective, I find inherently hilarious. I don’t mean to imply that privileged people cannot be genuinely victimized (celebrity stalkers and the tabloid press are just two obvious examples of how they can be, and often are), but I’m referring to something else: I’m talking about luminaries of one kind or another who decry imaginary oppressors, or who (figuratively speaking) refer to the ants at their picnic as if they were bears.

In dishonor of these bellyaching fat cats, I have decided to institute the Boo-Fucking-Hoo Award, which I will bestow every so often upon those who distinguish themselves in the field of meritless complaint. Without further ado, I give you our inaugural recipient, Mr. Charles Simpson, representing the Business & Media Institute.

Some dedicated researchers from this organization spent last year’s sweeps months in front of the TV checking their reflections, so to speak. Their overall conclusion, stated in a widely-circulated position piece by Mr. Simpson, was that the television industry is putting out too many negative images of… businessmen. Yes, that’s right: the captains of industry want the world to know that Hollywood is giving them a bad rap. Mr. Simpson’s leadoff:

Long after executives from Enron, WorldCom, and HealthSouth first graced the 24-hour news cycle, the four major networks have outdone the evening news with anti-business themes.

Apparently the TV networks missed the memo that it was their patriotic duty to rehabilitate the image of big business through their dramatic series programming. Executive America can see that it’s not having a good run lately in the non-fiction market, so it wants to know why fiction hasn’t stepped up for them? Mr. Simpson points to some of the numbers:

During the two sweeps months, you were five times more likely to be kidnapped or murdered at the hands of a businessman than terrorists, gangs, or even the mob. It’s enough to convince the risk averse to join the Peace Corps. After all, they’d be safer in Darfur than in an office space.

Ooh – funny funny! Stop, stop, you’re killing m-… oops, I know you’re sensitive about that. Nice line, though. Sorry I could only give sarcastic laughter on that one, I guess mass rape and genocide just don’t crack me up like they used to. Anyway, about the statistic: five times more likely to be killed by a businessman than “terrorists, gangs, or even the mob?” That can’t possibly be right. Hel-lo! Mobsters and gang members are businessmen! But wait, our guy Charles Simpson is warming up for his big finish, his coup de arrogance:

It’s mind-boggling that show business could be so anti-business. How can a multibillion-dollar industry be antagonistic to a cornerstone of American society?… it’s hypocritical to use a successful business model to undermine the free enterprise system that helped create it… are TV execs hypocrites, or just plain out of touch with reality?

At this point, I almost feel sorry for the guy because he comes within a hair’s breadth of getting it. The answers to Simpson’s questions, if he would ask them honestly rather than rhetorically, are hiding from him in plain sight. Instead, he becomes the ironic cherry on the top of his own folly by exposing himself as… a hypocrite who is just plain out of touch with reality.

Fairly or unfairly, Hollywood studios are being good businessmen by depicting evil businessmen. They know what their customers want, and that’s what they are providing. The Business & Media Institute may not see it, but for most others it’s easy to see why audiences draw cathartic satisfaction from the idea of corporate fat cats getting their comeuppance. To start with, the gap between the rich and the not rich in our society has been widening significantly due to factors including tax policy and the lack of lobbying reform. Second, the nature of employment has fundamentally changed in the last 20-25 years, with layoffs (or their euphemistic variants like “downsizing,” “outsourcing,” and “moving offshore”) becoming so commonplace as to seem inevitable, and the notion of job security regarded more and more as a relic of the good old days. Then, of course, there are the well-known and startlingly numerous recent examples of disastrous corporate malfeasance and fraud. While it’s true that such shameful episodes are the exception rather than the rule in terms of the whole business community, it’s also true that holy shit, there have been a hell of a lot of exceptional assholes popping up lately.

Either way, the blistering network portrayals of businessmen who lie, cheat and kill make one miss the old days of simple class envy.

Oh, what a shame… those mean TV networks are making people forget to be jealous of you. Well, I recommend you head on home and have your personal chef whip you up a nice Pity Puree. Maybe pop in your DVD of the first season of The Apprentice. Maybe it’ll be enough to make you forget that unflattering portrayals of you are profitable.

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