assholes

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The Foreign Madman Drought

December 19, 2011 | Comment

The regularly-scheduled Top Ten Videos of the Year series will resume shortly. Very shortly. I promise.

Starting from the bottom:

I said foreign, you guys. People from North America aren’t frightening, because even if they’re batshit crazy, we know them. All of us know a few Michelle Bachmanns or Glenn Becks or Fred Phelpses,¹ and they look like us. As do Canadians — who, moreover, are simply not threatening.
Castro hasn’t scared anybody for decades. Plus, he’s now like 99 years old and mostly concerned with his pipeline of black-market Depends undergarments. That brother of his who’s supposedly doing the dictatoring now is a total empty shirt. How empty? If dictators were legendary comedians, it’d be like Groucho Marx handing his role over to Zeppo.

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Update: I Have Failed as a Member of Society

June 8, 2011 | 2 comments

As you may already know, in my previous post I reacted to a tweet I’d noticed, which said

A 15 year old girl who has terminal cancer wants to trend on twitter, let’s make that wish come true!! #alicebucketlist Pls RT

…leading to my statement that we have failed as a society. I intended this partly as comic hyperbole, but not entirely.

It simply struck me as silly that being a trending topic on twitter would be a worthwhile aspiration. Is that how low the celebrity status bar has been set? What kind of fulfillment would that provide? Does anybody think that in 30 or 40 years we’ll be sitting around reminiscing about the great twitter memes of yesteryear?

Plus, I figured, it’s probably not even for real. The very mention of a youngster with terminal cancer raised in me a set of red flags normally reserved for chain email hoaxes. I half expected the end of the tweet to tell me to DM all my followers.

Turns out it was even simpler than that — I’m just a cynical asshole:
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It’s August 26th, Assholes

August 26, 2010 | 3 comments

As some of you may recall, back on February 4th I put up a post which began:

It’s February 4th, assholes. Do you still actually think the city garbage men are going to pick up your Christmas tree?

Why mention it again, lo these many months later? Yes, I’m afraid so:

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Open Letter to Certain Residents of Beachwood Drive

February 4, 2010 | 1 comment

It’s February 4th, assholes. Do you still actually think the city garbage men are going to pick up your Christmas tree?

Let’s see… there have been about ten or twelve garbage pick-ups since New Years, and for some darned reason they’ve ignored your discarded tree every time. Oh wait—I know: it’s because they don’t pick up Christmas trees! Read the rest of this entry »