Just when you thought my blogging inconsistency couldn’t get any more shameful, here it is – my first post since September.  As even a cursory glance will show, C&B has been mute during a period filled with events of historic significance: the spectacular collapse of American financial conglomerates, bringing the national (and hence, global) economy to the brink of utter ruin; the election of the first African-American President of the United States, who furthermore appears to be capable of getting America up off the mat;  and the lamentable passage of Proposition 8 in California, inserting language into the state constitution to strip rights away from gay people… to name a few.

Therefore, what out of this abundance of profound current events is it that has finally dragged me back to the blogging pad?

This past weekend, my previously blogged-upon fantasy football team, the E.J. Junior Sr. Junior High Grumpy Hippos, ended a dismal 2008 season out of the league playoffs.  In the two coming weekends of playoff games between the four qualifying teams, we remaining six losers have the option of playing each other in meaningless “grudge matches” if we want.

I emailed such a challenge to fellow playoff outcast Heath, our league’s commissioner, owner of the Opa Locka Bowlsnappers.  I reasoned that he would be smarting from his playoff exclusion more than anyone else, because it represents the end of his stunning streak of four consecutive league championships. What’s worse than missing the playoffs after a Snap da Bowl four-peat? Losing a grudge match to the league’s last-place team, i.e., mine.

Heath emailed me back a little while ago to accept my challenge. He did, however, ask me one question that I wasn’t immediately ready for: “What do you want to call the game?”

Having now spent a not-too-long but nevertheless indefensible amount of time considering possible answers, I turn now to you, the reader who somehow is here despite my not having posted in ages, to resolve this hugely significant matter. Please consult your deepest moral fiber, and vote.

As of right now, the McCain campaign is nothing more than a firehose of lies. Period.

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and countless others from both parties have spoken highly of John McCain, praising his honor and dignity.  I’ll take it on faith that McCain may have once possessed those qualities… but not anymore.  There is not a shred of honor in how the McCain campaign is being conducted.  He may have handed off the reins to subordinates, but it’s his name on the door.  His staff and his campaign are his responsibility.

John McCain is a corrupt, unprincipled, ethically bankrupt old man.  His personal judgment is abominably bad.  And he is a liar.

You know what?  After the election, I think I’m actually going to miss Sarah Palin and John McCain.  Or rather, my blog will – with the way that campaign is representing her in the press, the jokes just write themselves.  By the tens.

So Obama remarked that McCain’s platform does not represent a proposal for change, as advertised, but rather is like putting lipstick on a pig.  The McCain camp seized upon this remark and expressed its absurd faux-outrage that the unbelievably, horribly, unforgivably sexist Democrat candidate had called Gov. Palin a pig.

Hurh?  Exactly.  Apparently, in the McCain worldview Sarah Palin owns the copyright on the concept of lipstick.  She laid claim to it at the recent GOP convention, where she attempted a curious combination of self-promotion and comedy by declaring that the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull was, in a word, “lipstick.”

Sarah Palin
(Photo: Wikimedia Commons/Therealbs2002)

A pit bull
(Photo: Flickr – audreyjm529)

Aside from being something less than a knee-slapper, this statement (like so many things Gov. Palin says) demonstrably inaccurate.  First off, she’s not interested in selling us on hockey moms as a group, she’s interested in selling us on herself.  With the pit bull thing, she’s trying to suggest that she’s tough, a badass.  But it doesn’t wash – there plenty of differences between her and a pit bull.

Top Ten Other Differences Between Sarah Palin and a Pit Bull

1. Pit bulls don’t lie about their ear markings
2. Palin: wants to be your V.P.  Pit bull: wants your B.L.T.
3. Takes longer to train a pit bull to roll over for special treats
4. One is often used as an attack dog by crooked scumbags… and the other is a pit bull
5. Pit bulls generally produce a litter of five to seven pups… OK, bad example
6. Palin: saw Juneau in person, decided to move there.  Pit bull: saw Juno on DVD, decided to nap
7. Pit bulls produce pit bull shit; Palin leaves out the “pit”
8. A pit bull doesn’t need a gun to take down a moose
9. A pit bull would never hide its desire to receive a big barrel of pork
10. You can spay a pit bull

That’s not all, either – not if you folks out there have any more to add.  Let’s hear ‘em!

Oh, I know – here’s the big bad liberal blogosphere ganging up on poor Sarah Palin and her family.  I’m aware that my man Barack Obama said that candidates’ families are off limits, and in principle I think he’s right.  In practice, however, the GOP and Ms. Palin have decided to have their cake and eat it, too.  They’ve continued to play the victim card, and calling anyone who questions anything about her a sexist liberal media vulture (like that big meanie Campbell Brown), even as they flew in the teenage daddy-to-be/shotgun groom from Alaska to join them in front of the cameras and pass around a Downs Syndrome baby as though he was the Stanley Cup.  So let’s not pretend that I’m the one keeping the Palin clan in the spotlight.

Plus, if you wanted your kids to be less conspicuous, wouldn’t you give them less bizarre names?  Given the Palins’ penchant for, um… rather distinctive monikers, I don’t see how I can be expected to not want in on the fun.  Therefore…

Derek’s Top Ten Palin Baby Name Ideas

1. Waylon
2. Earmark
3. Puck
4. Drill (or, for a girl, Drillary)
5. Spike M.
6. Fuckin’ Redneck
7. Pre-Calc
8. C. Seed
9. Lunch
10. Michael

Did I leave any out?  Toby: I almost threw in “Zephyr Sterling,” but I decided they’re not worthy of it.