dogs

Amidst the multi-year media onslaught that our presidential election process has become, I’ve had to adjust my critical thinking filter to an even finer sieve than before. Sometimes it occurs to me that at least the news media is flooding the landscape with an issue that matters to people’s lives. At other times, though, the campaign overkill reaches such a level of absurdity that I wonder if perhaps these press hacks aren’t qualified to tell us about anything more important than Anna Nicole’s baby daddy, so maybe they should stick with that.

Consider for example this AP/Yahoo News poll and writeup published yesterday, which concludes that John McCain is the candidate of choice among pet owners.

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It’s not just a cheesy painting anymore. Via Ed Miller’s blog:

Like the first commenter at Ed’s post, I can’t agree with Jilli-dog’s choices to call down this hand with an inferior flush draw. At the same time, her success in this hand makes me wonder if Yorkies could be responsible for some of the horrendous bad beats I’ve taken on PokerStars lately.

This has huge implications. All the poker world whining about amateurs and internet players seems a little silly now, doesn’t it? I predict that within five years, a dog will win the WSOP. You heard it here first.

Even in this era of with-us-or-against-us partisanship, I never cease to be amazed at the neocons’ mendacious, irresponsible, utterly illogical denial of the escalating environmental crisis. You can arm yourself with Coby Beck’s excellent syllabus, but what can you ultimately do about people who are shallow enough to play politics with the habitability of the planet?

I have beaten my head against this particular wall in far too many conversations, so today, I’m sending in the cavalry.

Who’s a puppet now?

From Yahoo! News/Reuters:

Barney the guard dog went berserk at a teddy bear exhibition in England and ripped the stuffing out of Elvis Presley’s beloved bear Mabel, exhibitors said on Thursday.

Wookey Hole Caves, a popular holiday destination in Somerset, southern England, was drawing children with its display of 1,000 precious teddy bears. The collection was so valuable that the insurance company insisted the exhibitors guard it with dogs.

[The museum's General Manager said the dog] “started with Mabel… almost severing her head, and then went mad. It took about 20 minutes to bring him out.”

Dozens of other bears were shredded too. Mabel is the property of a local aristocrat, who says he paid 40,000 pounds ($75,000) at auction for the bear.

As for Barney, “he’s going to be retired to a farm where he can chase chickens,” the manager said. “We’ve told the security company we don’t want anything nasty to happen to Barney, but we don’t want him back.”

But wait, there’s more. Cheek & Bluster has managed to finagle an exclusive interview with Barney the doberman. He spoke to me earlier today by telephone from his new home at an undisclosed location in rural Britain:

“The bear was looking at me funny,” Barney explained. “They pretty much all were. What was I supposed to do?”

Barney, trying to muster up the motivation
to pursue wayward poultry

The former guard dog explained that there is long-standing animosity in the canine world for stuffed animals. “Ask any dog,” he declared. “They don’t actually DO anything, they just sit there. And yet kids want to cuddle up to them! Why? What have they fetched, eh? Who have they scared away from the front gate?”

The reddish doberman stated that Mabel, the teddy bear formerly owned by Elvis Presley, had specifically provoked him.

“She said, ‘Hey mutt, you think you’re special? You know everyone’s coming here and paying to see us and not you skinny kennel-dwellers, don’t you?’ I mean, I’m a professional, but there are some things that can’t be tolerated, you know?”

Even without trash-talking, the lure of pouncing upon a teddy bear is virtually irresistible, according to Barney, 4. “They stare at you with those beady eyes, and you just want to throttle them. They’ve got those plastic noses, and that stuffing… I’m telling you, there’s nothing like getting your jaws on one, whipping it around and watching the stuffing fly. It’s cathartic.” He paused for a moment to control the drooling reflex.

“Retirement is all right, I suppose,” said Barney, whose future plans include fundraising for his own neutering-reversal surgery. “Chickens aren’t much of a challenge. How far can they really wander off to, you know? I don’t get to eat them when I catch them, either, so it’s all a bit dull. Still, there are always plenty of new sniffs to be had, and the sheepdogs are a friendly enough lot. We have a laugh, chase lorries down the lane, that sort of thing.”

I was in the break room this morning making my long-overdue first cup of coffee when a co-worker named Aly came in to get herself something. She expressed her appreciation for my coffee mug; it’s a plain black mug that says “WTF?” in large white lettering. I ordered it from ThinkGeek.com.

“Thanks,” I replied. “I like it too.”

“It reminds me of something that happened with an old boyfriend of mine,” Aly continued. “He had this dog, and this one time he was trying to teach him to fetch, and he said, ‘Come on, Timmy - what would Jesus’s dog do?’ I thought he should make leashes or dog collars that said that. You know, like ‘WWJDD?’”

“I’ll tell you what Jesus’s dog would do,” I said. “He’d pee on your leg and turn it into wine.”

She doubled over laughing, almost spilling her coffee. I think if I had timed it just a teeny bit better I might have induced a genuine spit-take.

So now I’m wondering… what other cool and/or hilarious things would Jesus’s dog do?