Starting from the bottom:
- I said foreign, you guys. People from North America aren’t frightening, because even if they’re batshit crazy, we know them. All of us know a few Michelle Bachmanns or Glenn Becks or Fred Phelpses,1 and they look like us. As do Canadians — who, moreover, are simply not threatening.
- Castro hasn’t scared anybody for decades. Plus, he’s now like 99 years old and mostly concerned with his pipeline of black-market Depends undergarments. That brother of his who’s supposedly doing the dictatoring now is a total empty shirt. How empty? If dictators were legendary comedians, it’d be like Groucho Marx handing his role over to Zeppo.
- Daleks, huh? I must admit I hadn’t thought of that, so props for being outside the box. OK, this may be geek heresy to some but I’m going there anyway: Daleks dream about being as badass as Cylons, and then they wake up and apologize.
- OMG — Ahmadinejad, right! How could I forget?! Now I feel stupid. Well, he’s clearly The Man now in the scary crazy-ass foreign despot category.
I feel dumb for having forgotten about him, since only last week our ball accidentally went into his yard and he paraded it on TV like it was a fucking UFO or something.
I was like, “Hey, a little help? Could you toss that back over here?”
And he was all, “Look! Look, everyone! I have captured his ball! The accursed imperialist ball that was menacing the skies over my house is in my hands, wretched and defeated! Victory is mine!”
So I’m like, “DUDE. Keep it in your pants, OK? Just chill. Look, it was a bad throw. Oops! Sorry about that. But… what is your problem? ‘Menacing?!?’ Whatever. And it’s not like it hit your car, or broke a window or something. Muthafucka, what are you celebrating for — you didn’t even catch it! You fished it out of your damn hedge after like, five minutes of rooting around, for shit’s sake.”
But dammit if A-jad doesn’t just keep standing there posing, holding it up over his head. So I go, “You know what? FINE. Keep it if it means so much to you. I hope you and the ball have a beautiful life together. I’ve got a whole box of other ones just like it.”
The guy is a nutjob. And get this: the next day I saw him picking my oranges. Can you believe that shit?
- Top 10 Videos of 2011: 10. “Artist’s Statement”
- Top 10 Videos of 2011: 9. Puddin’, “Taylor Swift”