Last week Page Six stoked a rumor that Howard Stern is a possible candidate to replace the departing Simon Cowell on next season’s American Idol. Today the shock jock addressed the reports on his satellite radio show, admitting the job wouldn’t be out of the question. “There’s not a better job on the planet than judging a fucking karaoke contest,” Stern said.
…Idol producers are rumored to be considering offering Stern a contract that mirrors his five-year, $500 million deal with Sirius XM, but considering Paula Abdul and Idol split ways over a few million and Cowell will only make a reported $50 million per season to executive produce and judge on The X Factor, that figure seems a little excessive.
…“If I do say so myself, I can’t imagine anyone else but me replacing [Cowell],” Stern said. “I mean, how else are they going to make that show work? Who knows how to broadcast and who knows how to be interesting? And who’s not afraid to speak their mind?”
ME.
Howard Stern? Please. For one thing, the guy has a face for radio. Look, I don’t claim to be Brad Pitt or anything, but I think I can fairly say I’m pleasant-looking — at least compared to Howard Stern (which is hardly bragging; it’s kind of like being taller than Danny DeVito). American Idol is network television. What happens when Howard finds out he can’t make the girls take off their tops if they want to go through to the next round? He’ll lose interest before week two.
So he can be loud and obnoxious—big fucking deal. For that kind of money, I will judge the shit out of those kids. I will be mean enough to make Paula Abdul cry off her permanent eye-liner even though she won’t be there. Plus, I know a hell of a lot more about singing and musicianship than Howard Stern. And Howard doesn’t need the job! He can go right on saying “fuck” on satellite radio, get paid more hundreds of millions than he already has, and his listeners will love it. To hire me, on the other hand, would effectively strike a blow against the recession.
To top it off, I can walk to the Kodak Theater from where I live. That’s right, FOX—you won’t even have to validate my parking. So what are you waiting for? I am the new Simon. Or rather, Simon is the old me. Let’s do this thing.
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