How Do You Rate on the LA-dar?

Again, an item in Ye Olde Facebook Newsfeed set me to thinking. The blurb below was posted by an old schoolmate of mine. I have anonymized her profile picture, and (obviously) blurred out her name. She still lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where we grew up; I (in case you didn’t know) now live in Los Angeles.which-ca-city-LA-screencap

I haven’t taken the quiz, so I don’t know what questions my friend answered. She was puzzled by the result, so I’ve endeavored to develop more in-depth questionnaire to determine how temperamentally well-suited one is for L.A. residency. So here it is: Derek’s L.A.dar, v 0.5.

The LA-dar

No cheating – be honest with yourself. If you aren’t, your results won’t be accurate and you’ll have to go through life burdened by the weight of never knowing how LA you are. So just relax and breathe into it. No one else even has to know what you get. Unless you tell them… which would be kind of LA of you.

  1. Do you feel deep affection for, or devotion to:
    • Ankle-deep pleasantry?
    • Driving, but never at the same speed for very long?
    • Pinkberry?
    • Us Weekly, E!, TMZ.com, or similar celeb news/gossip media?
    • Drought?
    • Yoga?
    • The word “chillax?”
    • Agape?
    • Your cell phone/Blackberry/iPhone?
    • Zankou?
    • Yourself?
    • The Dodgers and/or the Lakers?
    • (one point for each yes)

    • The Clippers?
    • The Dodgers and/or the Lakers, and are actually knowledgeable about the game (e.g., strategy, league standings, statistics, names and positions and details about all LA players and most opposing players, etc)?
    • (subtract one point if yes to either of these)

  2. Do you have a particular dislike, disdain, or fear of:
    • Public transportation?
    • Politics?
    • Coyotes?
    • Precipitation?
    • The Valley?
    • Reading (except magazines)?
    • Orange County?
    • Cloudy or overcast skies?
    • People in LA whose phone area codes aren’t 310, 323, or if absolutely necessary 213?
    • (one point each)

  3. Are you now or have you ever been:
    • A communist? (If so — OMG, that is so cool!)
    • In the ocean, on a surfboard, and standing?
    • Listed on IMDb?
    • Both a resident of the United States and the owner of a Daimler AG Smart car?
    • Dating John Mayer?
    • Training in Boot Camp (without joining the military)?
    • Enrolled at UCLA or USC?
    • Employed as an actor, screenwriter, filmmaker, recording or performing artist of popular music, or model?
    • Employed as a talent agent or talent manager?
    • Employed in any other capacity in the entertainment industry?
    • (one point each)

    • Holding aspirations to be an actor, screenwriter, filmmaker, recording or performing artist of popular music, or model?
    • A talent agent and a talent manager, at different times?1
    • (two points each for both of the above)

  4. Do you often:
    • Drive somewhere you could have walked to in five minutes, other than to transport something heavy?
    • Arrive late to pretty much everything, knowing that if an explanation is needed you can just say it was traffic?
    • Go on and off being a vegetarian?
    • When driving, suddenly become very angry or aggressive — much more than you ever are otherwise?
    • Spend money at tanning salons?
    • Ask waiters/waitresses whether dishes have meat/soy/dairy/wheat/gluten or whatever in them, and if so, subsequently ask if they can make it without that ingredient?
    • (one point each)

    • Let people merge in front of you in traffic?
    • (if yes, subtract one point)

  5. (one point each for the remaining questions…)

  6. Have you:
    • Had a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, calf or butt implants, nose job, boob job or other voluntary cosmetic surgery? (No, LASIK doesn’t count)
    • Declined a social invitation for a parking-related reason?
    • Boned Leonardo DiCaprio?
    • Passed or tried to pass yourself off as a “producer” or similar-sounding industry big shot in order to get into someone’s pants?
    • Let somebody get into your pants who misrepresented him or herself in the above-mentioned manner?
    • Slept with someone whom you would not have if they hadn’t been a star, or sort of a star?

Count up your score as indicated above. Then, lastly, subtract one point for each thing in the test you googled due to your lack of any idea what it was.

___________
1 If you have been both an agent and a manager at the same time, you don’t get extra points. Not because you’re not LA – because you’re a lowlife asshole. My test, I make the rules.

Let’s get a sampling of scores, and then I can figure out the grading curve. Also, post comments and let me know about stuff I’ve left out! The LA-dar is only a beta, after all.

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  1. Andrea’s avatar

    I got ten points:

    1) Yoga and cellphone (2 pts)
    2) Politics and Orange County (2 pts)
    3) Employed in another capacity in the entertainment industry (1 pt)
    4) All EXCEPT tanning salons (+5,-1 = 4 pts)
    5) Declined social invites because of parking situation (1 pt)

    So, where’s my LA apartment?

    :D

    Reply

  2. Derek’s avatar

    I think you shorted yourself by one point: in #4 there are six one-point questions, and the one -1 question. So if you’re a yes on all of them except the fake-bake parlors, that would be five points.

    So, 11 points. Eleven?!? Out of a possible 48? …Your L.A. apartment is in Portland.

    OK, if you have your heart set on it being somewhere in L.A., then it’s a treehouse in Topanga with a hemp doormat that says “This One Goes Up to Eleven.”

    Reply

  3. Andrea’s avatar

    Lolz! Right on. Topanga, here I come!

    Reply

  4. tanis’s avatar

    ummm. i took your quiz.. and received the all-time high score of 9. NINE!
    where oh where should i be living?

    1. yoga, iphone (2pts)
    2. coyotes, precipitation, orange county, overcast skies (4pts)
    3. listed on IMDB, filmmaker (2pts)
    4. aggressive driver, ask about ingredients, let people merge (1pt)
    5. 0 pts

    Reply

  5. Derek’s avatar

    I think the results so far suggest that the LA-dar is has more in common with gaydar than my flippant wordplay even considered. Hypothesis: similar to gaydar, an average, not overly-LA person will possess some — but not a great many — characteristics that qualify as typically “LA.” What the LA-dar does is detect the outstanding cases. Someone scoring higher than say, 20 or so would then be a person about whom you would say, “[he/she] is so LA.”

    Reply