EJ Junior, Sr. Junior High Grumpy Hippos owner Derek confirmed at a press conference Thursday morning that he has fired himself as the team’s head coach. The Hippos finished the 2008 Whiplash league season in last place, and rumors of a coaching change had been circulating in recent weeks.
“I am appreciative of the passion and commitment I have provided during my time as our head coach,” Derek announced, “but the performance of them team has not been up to our standard as an organization, and we owe it to our players and the fans to correct that. That’s why I’ve chosen to seek new leadership at the head coaching position.”
Derek joins the ranks of coaches fired immediately following the just-finished regular season, including the Cleveland Browns’ Romeo Crennel, the New York Jets’ Eric Mangini, and the Denver Broncos’ Mike Shanahan.
Cornered in the parking lot as he left the team offices, Derek at first declined to comment on his termination, but upon further prodding proved unable to contain his feelings. “Look, whatever,” he protested. “If ownership thinks I’m the problem, then he can just go right on thinking that.”
Asked if he believed he’d been treated fairly by himself, he stated, “I think the answer to that is obvious… I mean, I know him. I know him inside out, and if he thinks everything is going to be different just by getting rid of me, he’s deluded. The truth is, he thinks he can do both our jobs. And he’s been trying to for a while now. So no matter who he brings in here and calls his head coach, it’s not going to matter. If he wants to know what’s wrong, he needs to look in the mirror. That’s all I’ve got to say. Happy fucking New Year.”
At the press conference, Derek refused to indicate with whom he might replace himself as coach. Some insiders speculate that former Pittsburgh Steelers coach Bill Cowher may be on the short list of candidates for the Hippos job. Many others, however, doubt that Cowher would be interested in coaching at the Junior High level, much less the Fantasy level.
Sources did confirm that the embittered now-former Hippos coach Derek already is scheduled to be interviewed for the vacant Detroit Lions head coaching position.
